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Your story about your husband coming home late is very human. You managed to be appreciative instead of grumpy – that is fabulous! That was a real achievement. WRT the issue of him then not coming home until 1 a.m., I am sure I'd feel just as you did! However, you did say that you were going to bed, so it is not unreasonable of him to have decided, in that case, to carry on working. It might be worth asking him to let you know if there is a change of plan even if he fears waking you, because it is important to you that he does what he says he is going to do. But given that you had said you were going to bed, it is understandable that he carried on working.

He might have been a bit disappointed that you had said that you were going to bed and that it was too late to make love. That might be partly why he did not return until very late. He might not even be aware of having felt rejected and disappointed, yet still be thus affected. If it happens again, it might be worth not suggesting that it will be too late to make love, and not saying that you are going to bed, because saying those things are a bit rejecting and give him less reason to return home.

But what you said to him was clearly so much better than what you might have said before, so take joy in that progress rather than beating yourself up about the other stuff. It is worth noticing your own progress just as much as it is worth becoming more aware of his. Help yourself feel better about yourself as well as about him. Best of luck, J's Girl!

by Sarah Cavendish on 2005 Nov 12 - 07:28 | reply to this comment
A huge THANK YOU for this article
Sarah,

Thank you so much for this article. My husband and I have been in and out of this type of relationship for years. I only now realize that I am the reason it never works! I get frustrated and impatient with him and wind up sabotaging the taken in hand relationship I want so badly, everytime! I thank God that I have found your website and now have a place to come to gather information. Little did I know that while being a 'smarty pants' and trying to educate my husband, I would be the one getting the education!